“The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly the one you’ll never have.” Soren Kierkegaard
This scene particularly resonated with me. I believe, at some point in my life, I have had the same emotion, the same debilitating feeling of pain and loss. I can still remember how painful it was thinking of all the lost kisses and the future absent touch, and how all these are so unimaginably unbearable, and the overwhelming sense of absence is so literally heartbreaking you can almost feel physical pain emanating somewhere inside your body. Then regrets come pouring in – all the nice things you should have said, the touches you should have just initiated instead of waiting, and all those other things you should have just done instead of prioritizing other things because you always are concerned over mundane things, like your job, your time, the money and any other small thing. All these become insignificant, in the face of this huge, painful loss. Nothing, not any possible or imaginable thing can be done now because all is lost. All is gone.
So you cry and pour your heart out. You try your best to hide the tears but they well up anyway and you feel hot, smarting tears pushing their way out of your eyes. So you let them, and once you realize you started crying, you cry some more. And this time with that awful sound you think was once funny in the movies. Very unattractive. Snoot just running down your nose. You don’t care anymore. No one does anyway. No one matters.
And you start thinking about what ending it. And what possible consequences this seemingly justifiable thing would do. You think about your life. The family who you most of the time ignore because they are always there. They are not going anywhere. Your house would just stay standing and your mom would always lord over the household. Your brothers would always live their lives with their families. They won’t die. Not yet, they can’t. And then you cry some more because you imagine what would life be without them. And without your friends, your colleagues, your job and what about that promotion your working for? It would just surely go to someone else.
And while all this assessing of your insignificant life and the worthless existence you have been living so far is happening, you slowly realize there are still these people who matter to you. There are still dreams and a mostly unchecked bucket list you’ve had since you watched that Robert De Niro film. There are things to do, places to see, people you love. And then you breathe.
You slowly realize that on the other side of pain, there is still hope. There is still a tie, now loosely flinging in the wind with seemingly no anchor, that miraculously still ties you this world. And you don’t want to cut it. You realize you want to fight. You realize this pain is a lesson – one you can master and one you can use to become a better partner. To no longer have regrets like this. You reach for some tissues, wipe out the snoot and tears and wash your face to feel a little refreshed. You pick up your phone and absent-mindedly dialed your friend’s number and you speak robotically about meeting for coffee. You dress up and smarten yourself. You put on cologne and grab your purse. You meet your friend and before you know it, life goes on.
You go on. Hurt, broken, but still in fighting form.
There’s joy in everything. There’s joy in all things.
In trying to think about how I can make my own brand, my own approach in blogging, I came up with this one idea that I have always believed in. It is to show how even with the simplest things, when you remove yourself from the social pressure of being cool, or even from self-imposed challenges of being the best, the first, the only, you find that you are able to wholeheartedly enjoy moments of your life.
And this is what I intend to do. I will not be competing against any established guide of what-to-post, or the top must-do and the best must-try dishes or must-watch movies, but will showcase what I actually have tried, my thoughts and realizations on it, and what I simply liked about it. I will endeavor to draw out the positive from real-life challenges and try to write as honest as I can.
May this maiden article inspire in you the same thirst for good, that I have in me. As I was telling my friend about this site, I’m not putting up the fun things that I do, or the show the nice things I experience, but I will randomly feature things that have somehow deeply resonated with me, especially those that are hard to swallow, painful to feel, or just plain uncomfortable, and with how I imagine I can write, do my best to explain that at the end of the day, however bad it has all been, there is always joy somewhere. There is always Joy Today.
May 11, 2017
Snezhinka (Coffee Shop), Ani Plaza
Sayat-Nova Avenue, Yerevan, Armenia
This is a collection of mundane thoughts, painful recollections, heartbreaking memories and just plain ordinary happenings but all written from a perspective of hope, patience, love and joy. This, too, is of course optimistically-speaking :-)